I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
