Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
