I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
