the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
