im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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