Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
