Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
