I just made out with a guy for $7.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
