It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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