I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Are my feet made of real feet?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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