A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
