If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
