I can text with my tongue
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
