i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
