last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
