weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
