I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
God, I missed his penis.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
