I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
