Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
