everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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