Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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