I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
