This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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