Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
