Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
