Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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