I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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