I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Randomize
