Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
