I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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