My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
