This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
