after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
