you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
