those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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