Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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