I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
