I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
