the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
