wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I love having hate sex.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
