I just pynch a tree in the face
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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