Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
