my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
