I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
