I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
