false alarm. still invincible.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The feeling are messing with the penis
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
