i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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