Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
