if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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