Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
