That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
